2007 Questionaire

im jacking right now..i got this from la bella vita's spot and my girl ms behavin's..i was going to post something else but i didnt feel like trying to come up with a "penetrating" post so....here goes:


Was 2007 a good year for you??

yea..i guess i can say it was because it couldve been worse..i can truly say 2007 was my coming of age..i realize the way i was living was unacceptable and pointless..it was time for me to grow up...and i feel i did.

What was your favorite moment of the year??

i have 2..the moment i "man'ed up" and left all that i know behind in Ct and moved to Ga..and the birth of my new baby boy braylon *cheesing hard as hell*

What was your least favorite moment of the year??

*surpressing an embarrassed laugh* when i left my sidekick in K.D's car and he checked my text messages and found out about "Seat-filler"...damn..that was interesting *still trying not to laugh*

Where were you when 2007 began??

at my best friends party nice as hell and yelling at K.D on the phone to hurry his ass up picking up late ass friends of his *UGH!! i got NO kiss at the ball drop because he playing taxi!!*

Who were you with??

my people having a great and safe time.

Where will you be when 2007 ends??

at home


Who will you be with when 2007 ends??

with the kiddies, my mom and brother, most likely on the phone with K.D *knowing him he wont go anywhere cuz he trying to save money*

Did you keep your new years resolution for 2007??


didnt make one..i was too busy yelling at my man and "making up" with him by the night ;-}

Do you have a new years resolution for 2008??

yea..get my behind in school..and aspire to be the best mom,daughter,sister,lover i can be.

Did you fall in love in 2007??

you know what?? i feel like i fell in love all over again with K.D..i dunno..i just feel the NEED to have him and i miss em' so much i actually cried the day he left..seeing him after NOT seeing him for 3 1/2 mths brought back all of my original feelings...so i think i can confidently answer this question with a..yes *grinning from ear to ear*

if yes than who??

my K.D

If yes, do they know??

i havent told him yet...lol.

Are you still in love with them??

sure am


Do you regret it??


i dont regret anything in my life.


Did you break-up with anyone in 2007??


K.D and i broke up and got back together.


Did you make any new friends in 2007??


just blogger buddies..thats about it.


Who are your (most memorable) favorite new friends??

n/a

What was your favorite month of 2007??

id have to say Mar/Apr..there was a lot of "making up" going on between K.D and i..that was hella fun!! *sheeiit..thats how (and when) i got knocked up again*

Did you travel outside the US in 2007??

*pouting* no

How many states have you traveled to in 2007??

1

Did you lose anybody close to you in 2007??

no *thank you Jesus*


Did you miss anyone in the past year??

yea...will continue missing them until Feb 08'


What was your favorite movie you saw in 2007??

id have to go with Transformers,Spidey 3, and Disturbia

What was your favorite song of 2007??

i had a huge partying spurt this year and for some reason id LOSE it when Young Joc's "Its Going Down" came on...my part "Ooo i think they like me...betta yet i know..lights camera action when i walk through tha do'" You cant tell me that wasnt everyones part!! lol

What was your favorite album from 2007??

i had a couple..i was feeling amy whinehouse..christina aguilera..kanye..common*you know what?? ima edit this and come back with some more*

How many concerts did you see in 2007??

none..but i did get to see Kat Williams and all of his hilarity.

Did you have a favorite concert in 2007??

n/a

Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2007??

uuhh..lol..yes as well as a lotta mary jane.

Did you do a lot of drugs in 2007??

mary jane aint a drug to me..i dont care what dem damn commercials say.

How many people did you sleep with in 2007??

DAMN!! is that REALLY ya business?? i dont discuss stuff like that...nah..im playin..just K.D..beefin or not id give up the coochie cuz caint nobody do me like ma' baby.

Did you do anything youre ashamed of this year??

yea..but fear that certain people might gain access to my blog...ill pass on this one

What was the biggest lie you told in 2007??

that i wasnt feeling "seat-filler" like that..truth was i liked him..i just wished he was K.D.

Did you treat anybody badly in 2007??

yea..but he aint go nowhere so what difference did it make?? lol

Did someone treat you badly in 2007??

hell yea..but i didnt go aywhere *for too long* so what difference did it make?? lol

How much money did you spend in 2007??

too damn much!!

What was your proudest moment in 2007??

Hmm..when i told my father the truth about himself.

What was your most embarrassing moment of 2007??

i dont think i had one...ill have to give that one some thought.

If you could go back in time to any moment of 2007..what would it be??

the moment when K.D found out about Seat-Filler..id say sooo much more..i felt so bad because he was crying and all emotional i held back the REAL reason i went and started talking to another dude..even though i am quite sure he knew the reason..i still feel he needed to hear it from the horses mouth...and the "make up" that was REAL nice..lol

What are your plans for 2008??

to make ma' mama proud and what i have to for my kids and what i need to maintain a happy family life.

fill in the blank friday

1. Chill is the word that best describes how i spent my Christmas.

2. I plan to ring in the new year at home with the kids and a bottle of Patron and seriously missing K.D.

3. My biggest accomplishment(s) of 2007 were giving birth to Braylon and moving to Georgia getting a peace of mind from Ct..but im kinda ready to go home..is that bad??

4. Some of the goals/new years resolutions ive set for 2008 are to start school, continue losing the "baby weight" (down 30lbs so far!!),and to remain chill when things get rough with ANYTHING in my life (K.D. my Dad..whateva) time to relax and take more mature approached towards my problems.

5. This weekend ill be washing clothes, and trying to do something to this thick bush of hair i have on my head as of right now.


6. Being more responsible with money and getting pregnant without having what i needed together (im glad he's here dont get me wrong..i just wanted better for my children..hey..ya live and ya learn) are things i regret doing or not doing this year.


7. There is nothing (i find) more embarrassing than going out with rambunctious people..loud and all ghetto and getting y'all kicked out the club with they foolishness.


8. Today, I feel slightly bored and tired from being up with Braylon all night.

what i see...

I was feeling a bit down today and wasnt going to blog or anything of that nature..but i was sitting here and thought to myself "why am i dwelling on being sad today?? i can just sit and think about the things that i am thankful for" hence this post..I hope you are all enjoying your day.

I have so many things to be thankful for so i decided to cheer myself up and put them in writing:

Im thankful for:

-My kids...each day i look at them *especially when they are asleep* and i am so overjoyed with love and appreciation.

-God..he knew there was something special enough about me to birth 2 beautiful boys.

-Love..the ability to love is a feeling taken for granted there are soo many people out here that feel alone and un-loved..i am loved and that is an awesome feeling

-Forgiveness...its going to be a new year and i need to let go of the things that have ailed me for so long..time to forgive and forget.

-Growing and learning..each day i learn something new about life as well as myself..im willing and ready to face each day with positivity and an open mind.

-Memories..i thought of me and K.D's first kiss..it was electric!! that kiss i KNEW he was mine and was not going anywhere anytime soon *i want a kiss like that when he gets back*

-Separation..the fact that i am so far from the "one i love" and i still feel the same about him tells me something about US..we just might have a chance...and Lord knows when he get here IMA TEAR HIS ASS UP!!!

-Real Friends...im realizing with me being so far away who my true friends are and why they are just that.

-To just Be..im here...im alive..i have a roof over my head..clothes on my back..food in me and my kids bellies..and i have family...im healthy.

I cant complain..I Wont complain.

Lata y'all

Have A Good One!!

ENJOY YOUR HOLIDAY EVERYONE!!!

(may i just note that im having my first case of holiday blues..i am so far away from my family and it is making me really sad right now..i hope K.D doesnt piss me off cuz i miss em and id hate to have to flip with all these emotions flowing through me..*sigh* oh well..ill get through it..peace y'all)

goodbye....for now

or maybe i should say "see ya later"...i dunno..im sad though and feel like a well of tears because ma' baby left today*booooo*

i miss k.d...i know i know...i complain about him ALOT but my feelings are all jambled and im the type of person to vent and sound like i caint stand the person...but..thats not the case with k.d...im still in love with him when i thought i wasnt...im sooo sad hes gone...he'll be back by the end of next month if im not mistaken....we'll say Jan/Febish.

like i said...we talked about things and i realize we are both the kind of people that completely guard our true feelings in hopes that it will save us from feeling pain...i know he loves me i see it in his eyes and to me your eyes tell so much truth and he loves his kids...i feel like if i bend and just show him ME,the mother of his 2 sons that loves him more than words can say maybe that will start to break down his walls...basically..i have to break down my own barriers to get him to see that i love him and i dont want to be hurt just as much as he doesnt.

i miss him...i wish i didnt feel like this visit was a tease *we couldnt do anything hence the situation of giving birth to braylon via c-section*..ive always felt like sex is when he and i release our actual feelings for one another..hes not the "i love u baby" type but when we getting it in its "i love you" this and "i love you so much" that...i find it funny but i believe it cuz i know him and thats just the way he is...thats my babe...ill be on next week about how he pissed me off and whatnot...lol.

im hoping things do work itself out for the better with he and i..im looking to get these 4 credits i need to start school in Sept '08 and while im at it ill look for a school out here for him to get licensed in barbering *boy been cuttin hair over 10 yrs..dont ask why hes never gone ligit* hes good at it..hes the only one i want on my son head thats for sure.

so my hopes are to do this 24 mth program he get licensed and we get outta here right after that..hes got people that will help him get his own shop *if he needs the help* back home and ill be straight financially so im praying we get this poppin..i want my kids to have what we both didnt...a dad in the household a part of raising them....cant fault me for that

Lord please dont let me fall

peace until

we need a resolution..so much confusion

ok..so k.d and i actually talked about the root of our issues and he acknowledged being lackluster by stepping his shit up once i decided it would be best for my kids to see their dad off tomorrow.

it drives me crazy..this back and forth that is he and i and for some reason i dont think im that tired because if i was id leave his ass alone for good. i asked my mom why is it that i never seem to really know what my plans are with him and why i accept him back every single time he drives me up a wall?? she responded by saying when you truly love someone youll give them all the chances in the world until that fateful day comes when you are seriously fed up. i guess when i say im tired im not quite there yet. id like to share this little..hmm what should i call it?? i dunno ima call it a lil tale..

a man was walking down a dirt road when he came up on an old house with an old man and an old dog on the porch...the man noticed the dog kept howling over and over just howling...he finally asked the old man on the porch "sir..why is your dog howling like that??" the old man responded "oh..he just sitting on a nail." the man then asks "well..why doenst he just move??" the old man chuckled and replied "it must not be hurting that bad"

-the story of my relationshp



we went to braylons doc appointment today and to walmart for something ot cook when we got back...while in line..i looked over at him and i felt a flutter i hadnt felt in a while...im so confused mayne..i dunno..love is annoying i swear.

peace until...

im really feeling this track with timbo and one repulblic..hot as hell!!

update

i just sent k.d. to the aunt he was dying to get to...im done..i cant do this to my kids...they dont deserve it and niether do i.

it hurts so bad that he would do this to us..im hurting and cant stop crying for doing this to my sons..but tomorrow is a new day and he'll be hurting way worse than me.

i just wish it couldve been different but when God puts something in your face you HAVE to pay attention.

i knew it wasnt meant to be and i dont want it to be so what the hell do i feel bad for?? i feel like i failed my babies..they deserve so much more.

ill be in better spirits soon...shit..i am in better spirits that just gave me the fuel i needed to get ish right for me and mine and those boys damn sure are MINE!!

and yet...i feel a huge sense of relief...crying is sooo good for the soul

his lose

still hate his ass though..scream it kelis..lmao

braylon and some otha ish...

braylon james


wow..what do i say?? hes really here and i feel like a new mom all over again *big grin* i have so much to be thankful for.hes healthy,eats fine,slightly spoiled in the sleep area but what can i say?? im so in love with him *i gotta bit of the "baby blues" so this post might make me cry..lol* he is shamarr all over again they truly look identical...its kind of scary..lol.

i look at my babies and i just want to give them the world *i have some issues with k.d and im trying to be civil being that i am in pain and all but i think im on the edge of tellin his ass to return home and DONT COME BACK!!* they are such a huge part of who i am today i cant do anything but thank them and keep striving for the best.

delivery went well..i was kind of out of it and reeeeally sleepy..come to find out i was dehydrated and had to be on i.v fluids the entire stay..that wasnt cool because ive never been dehydrated it is not a cool feeling. your mouth gets sooo dry..you get sweaty for no damn reason and tired veeery tired...they put me on some med that made me itch like a damn heroin addict..i almost lost my damn mind scratching with a comb my brother found in the little toiletries they provide..lol...that ish was funny though.


big brother shamarr


shamarr has been so receptive to his new baby brother i almost cry..lol..i am so overjoyed with his initial reaction. he was happy and protective and wanted to hold him immediately. hed throw fits when it was time for them to return home because he wanted braylon and i to come home..lol..it was too cute. now every minute he is checking on his brother and when he cried *he got circumcised* when i was changing his diaper mar creid so hard it would break your heart..but thats exactly what i wanted..i want my kids to love and protect each ohter and be close like my brother and myself.



**************************************************************************************


ive been in such crazy moods lately and i know its to be expected but i dont like it..now.. i have a huge issue with k.d and i just cant continue to say how many times he makes me feel dumb for even trying with him..yalll..i just had MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY!! WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WALKING AROUND MY HOUSE LIKE YOU ON A FUCKIN VACATION??!! i literally can count on 1 hand how many times this fuckin ass has helped me out..i was up all nite at the hosp with baby by myself!! while this motha@!*#? slept the nite away..the next day..i called my brother and told him to bring a change of clothes to stay with me..fuck that..atleast i know my brother will make sure im ok at all times...when jay went home i asked my mom to stay the last nite with me..im tired yall..im soooo tired..tuesday comes he can go back to Ct and stay there because he just showed me how its going to be right?? me doing EVERYTHING..today..im trying to get a "me" moment and grab a bowl of cereal and braylon starts to cry..why when i look up k.d is coming out my room on the phone and jay *my brother* is coming out my room with braylon?!?! WTF?!?! oh you gots to get the hell on up outta here bruh..i could do bad by my damn self...i was sooo pissed..i unplugged the phone *fuck that..you aint here to chill..get the fuck off my phone*...i went in my bathroom and put on Carl Thomas "You Aint Right" on repeat and cleaned up my bathroom *minus the percocets..so you KNOW i was running on "mad black woman" energy* i dont deserve this shit at all!! and i and tired of constantly complying with his past and all that bull..he is 27 yrs old and claims to love me..you dont do someone you love this way at all..shit.. i know im strong and determined to get better so i wont ask for much help but common sense would tell you to help your girl out if shes obviously in pain...this fucka is more concerned with the fact that he found a cousin down here and they want to see him...nigga...you are not here to visit you are here to help with your damn kids!! but is quick as fuck to get on the phone with people and them "yoooo...i just had my son" WTF?!?! YOU HAD WHAT?!?! I HAD THIS FUCKIN BABY NIGGA GET YO SHIT RIGHT!!!

TUESDAY YALL...TUESDAY

WHOOSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA




i have no more to give..its all about my kids.

peace until...

hospital stays....

i know i know...you want pics of my new gorgeous lil man..but..ill handle that when i get home..im still in this damn hospital. ive never mentioned how much i dispise hospital stays. thank god for my mom her laptop and WiFi..lol..i have something to do right about now being that lil mr gorgeous is peacefully sleeping *hes beautiful yall!! i tell ya ALL about it when i post the pics* but this damn stay!! real talk i cant complain because everyone is very nice and blah blah blah..im just not one for staying up in this mug for 4 damn days!! i cant sleep..not interested in majority of the food they bring me *not all is bad..but yall get what im saying* i get woken up EVERY SINGLE TIME I JUST FALL ASLEEP!! now tell me that aint aggravating!! i had this nurse yesterday who literally left my right hand looking like someone injected a golf ball in it be cause "she couldnt find my veins" now..im swollen but my damn are fine..dont blame ME for the fact that YOU are clueless!! do us both a favor and pass this task onto someone who knows what the hell they are doing..i bid you good day!!

but how has everone been?? me?? drugged and so in love with my new lil one *once again i will go into full detail about mr braylon james and all his greatness* im happy right now and will be even happier once i get my black ass home tomorrow morning...my mom is staying with me tonite..K.D stayed the first nite then my brother the second nite..i have a great family..all heplful and whatnot..lol...i dont have much else to rant about im just spoiled and ready to go home and get some real rest.

well..ill be up surfing the web until the wee hours of the morn..

peace until...


topics ill get on when i get home:

the delivery

shamarr reaction to his baby brother

k.d.

my moods

*kind of reminding myself*

Uhh..thanx..but no thanx

real quick before i lay down and watch Tyra.....

im on the phone with K.D earlier this evening heres how it went....

blah blah blah...

then...

K.D "that bassinet aint new."

Me "umm..ok"

K.D "she has the same one from the babies uncle and i guess she felt she didnt need that one"

Me "Mmhmm"

K.D "you still want it??"

Me "no..not really"

K.D "why not??"

Me " i honestly dont need it and just didnt want to do the expected which would be to reject it"

K.D " what were you going to do with it??"

Me "give it to one of those places that buy baby stuff off of people"

K.D "well...im not puttin it on the truck if you dont want it."

Me "fine..i just dont want to seem like im acting funny about it
..i have a bassinet for my son"

now...for those who dont know this bassinet is from his sister who ive had problems with for a while for absolutely NO REASON KNOWN TO MAN..shes a disrespectful child that ive had nothing to do with for over a year and with damn good reason..do i want it to be this way?? no..but youve burned too many bridges with me for me NOT to question this supposed "good gesture".

now...im feeling like the real reason you TRIED to give it me was because someone brought you a new one and it doesnt sit well with me..youve never tried to help me in any other way before so why should i trust now?? i dont..keep it..sell it..shit i dont care cuz i wasnt going to use it anyway.


always an ulterior motive with black people..we will NEVER be friends


thanx..but no thanx

good night

peace until...

Getiing Excited!!

How are we all this beautiful morning??
im doing as good as God wants me to be..no pains a few "braxton hicks" but nothing i cant withstand. im still pretty upbeat and ready to go!! thanx for all my good luck and baby blessings *ima miss the attention..lol* im just so excited right now!! i have nothing to be aggravated about and it feels so good. my mom and K.D are gearing up to get on that road tomorrow to get here to me..man..i miss them.

lately *since i have NOTHING else to do* ive been thinking about why i was so mizzy in Ct. ive started to think it wasnt Ct itself but my financial situation that was bothering me and making me feel less than capable of taking care of the now 2 children i am to have. i dont hate home..its home..its a part of me and its what i know..i figured out what it is that i want to do and got on the phone with the school im interested in yesterday and we spoke about the prerequisite classes id need. i then called my mom and she said once she got here we'd jump on where i can take those classes and get that poppin so id be ready Sept 2008. im excited..i told K.D that i feel like a drag racing car when they are waiting for the green light..rearing up to GO. i have my goals set and im ready to achieve. i figured moving down here to get in school and stay 3 yrs tops and then ill have a thought as to going home or..hey..somewhere else who knows..i just knew for a fact that living in Ct with my own place,a job *or 2*, 2 kids, trying to go to school and of course BILLS BILLS BILLS wouldve caused a nervous breakdown and misery in me. i didnt like the person i was becoming..mean bitchy and couldnt wait to get my hands on a "j" to not think about it all. that feels awesome too..not smoking and what have you..i was getting outta control in my eyes..im glad God removed that out of me.

Feeling real good and cant wait to



MEET MY NEW.....




MySpace Comments


peace until..

My Chi

Comment Graphics at pYzam.com

hey people..

first let me start by saying i had this CRAZY dream about a mouse turning into a cat and attacking me from behind..i damn near jumped out of my bed and skin!! LMAO!! all i could do was crack the hell up!! guess what touched my back?? my sons foot!! i dont mind pictures of cats but other than that i cant stand the creepy lil thangs..lol..i still find that funny as hell.



Today feels pretty good..for some reason im real mellow. getting the house ready for our new addition, cleaning *somewhat like a maniac*,moving things where i feel they should be..all that good stuff they call "nesting".

trying to complement my feng shui..refusing to let anything or anyone interrupt my flow. in a recent rant i went on about one of me best totally shocking and disappointing me with a crazy assumption..well..i talked to her straight up about it last night *i needed to cool off so i wouldnt spaz* and all is well..i feel so much better to get it out rather than bury it and hold a grudge.
K.D's mom calls and lets me know her daughter *the one that has this "created" issue with me..i slowly figured it out to be jealousy b/c she had NO other reason to feel the way she did towards me* is sending me a bassinet for my baby...the old alyse is like "wtf?? did she sprinkle itching powder all over it?? is it cursed with some kind of omen??"..but instead the fung shui alyse takes over and says "thank you..i guess 2 beds wont hurt *forced and slightly concerned smile*"

my mom is like let all that go they are all still my childrens relatives..i trust my moms opinion but she knows its hard for me to release how i fell when i havent actually heard from the person..the chick is sending messages through other people *grow up already will ya'*..but thats niether here nor there..not f*kin with the feng shui *thanks gnarles barkely*

im loving the calmness im feeling around the house..im so excited for my mom and K.D to get here Saturday!! Cuz when the night falls its ON *as much as it can be given the situation...lol*

well folks 7 days and counting..ima go..kind of feeling some pains..i need to go chill before i cook dinner *fried chicken,corn,and rice..keeping it quick and simple right about now*

peace until...

Friday Fun

Here is my VERY OWN list of sexy men..i didnt feel like ranking them so its in random form. Trust....




They are SEXXXY..a couple geeks but hey they cuties..



COMMON



I KNOW IVE MENTIONED HIM A TIME BEFORE..I JUST CANT GET ENOUGH OF A MAN WHO IS AWESOME WITH WORDS. IT JUST DOES SOMETHING TO ME



ANDRE 3000



THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT THIS BROTHAHS ACCEPTANCE OF HIMSELF AND HIS "DARE TO BE DIFFERENT" ATTITUDE THAT OOZES SEXXX APPEAL. HE IS ALSO ANOTHER WHOSE WORDS ARE AMAZING AND DEFINITELY THE TRUTH.





BORIS KODJOE



NEED I SAY MORE LADIES?? THIS BRAUN SUBJECT OF MAN IS JUST..MMMM...THATS IT..MMMM





MAXWELL




AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT WANTS THIS MAN TO COME AND SING EVERY SONG HE HAS EVER WRITTEN TO ME IN A PRIVATE ROOM WITH NICE LIGHTING AND SOME FINE CHAMPAGNE...LET LOOSE ON HIS BEHIND FA' SHO'!!




MEL JACKSON





REMEMBER HIM FROM "SOUL FOOD" AND A NUMBER OF OTHER MOVIES?? IM USUALLY A CHOCO-HOLIC WHEN IT COMES TO MEN BUT I KNOW A FINE ONE WHEN I SEE EM'..LADIES..THOSE LIPS!!!




DIJIMON




IS IT BECAUSE IVE DATED AN AFRICAN?? I DONT KNOW..BUT SOMETHING ABOUT THIS MANS DEMEANOR JUST OOZES SOMETHING MANLY AND SEXY...THAT SKIN..HAS ANYONE SEEN AMISTAD?? HE SURE WILL HAVE MY ASS SCREAMIN GIVE US FREE!!!



MICHAEL EALY


THIS MANS EYES ARE LIKE THE OCEAN...ID LOVE TO STARE INTO THOSE EYES.



LUPE FIASCO


ITS SOMETHING ABOUT HIM..MAYBE THE YOUNGSTER IN ME KNOWS ID DATE HIM...IVE LISTENED TO A COUPLE OF HIS INTERVIEWS AND IM FEELING HIS SWAG AND HIS LOVE/STYLE OF HIP-HOP.



IDRIS ELBA



HE WILL NOT BE LEFT OUT OF MY LIST..HE IS SEXY IN THAT "GROWN ASS MAN" WAY.




TYRESE



I GOTTA HAVE MY CHOCOLATE..TYRESE IS A FINE BROTHAH..DRAMA FILLED OR NOT..ID HIT IT..LOL






WELL...THERES MY LIST..HOPE YOU ENJOY AND IM SURE I GOT SOME HEAD NODS AND SOME "OOO YES GURLS".

PEACE UNTIL..........

Me being me

Some random rants of mine


where to start.....

- i barely hear from you since i left Ct

-i text you..you dont text back..but so much of that i will do

-Im the pregnant one..why am I checking up on you..something in this picture just aint right..my own stupidity i guess

-being that we havent spoken in a while..wtf gives YOU a right to judge a situation between ME and MINE?! when you havent the SLIGHTEST idea as to whats going on.

-ME and MINE have our plans set straight..your uninformed opinion..not needed

-i want to believe its coming from a "sistah gurl" place..but something in my bones is telling me its coming from a "shut the fuck up..you dont know what youre talking about"...place


-wait..did I tell you something i dont remember..nah..i dont think so

-im so disappointed in you i dont know what to think right now

-i wanna call..but i know im still pissed..so ima chill until my mind is clear

-is this coming from the same chick who "didnt give a fuck" about her man possibly giving whats supposed to be hers away???

-and as i recall..I didnt put your business on blast to ANYONE!!

-why call someone else with a concern for ME?!?! im not a crackhead..talking to me will do you fine luv.

-did you really have it in your head that this person wouldnt call me immediately after you caught diarrhea of the mouth??

-i have no patience for people that speak before they know whats really going on

-im still in disbelief that it came from YOU

-Trust me luv...i got this over here..you worry about "mr sensitive in need of affection" slipping whats supposed to be YOURS up in anything cuz hes "lonely" and ill handle mine..ok?? Get it..Got it...Good

-so what i told you how much money i had to buy my son a new game system..that doesnt mean $20 of it goes to yo broke ass..HAHAHA..i think NOT!!

-Whoo!! that last one was too funny!!

-hold up..is it my fault youre broke and youre girl dont want you?? get that together bruh.

-my dude..dont you see this man very obviously flirting with your girl and youre standing right here?? Oh..is that the reason you cheat on her?? Mmkay *giggles to oneself*

-please dont call me with your drama..and i damn is it just that..ive got a lot going on here and i dont have time to be a savior..sorry luv

-did it really take you that long to get to the point of this call?? im hearing crickets as you speak..GET TO THE POINT!!!

-from my view..you seem to get involved with some shady ass dudes..when will you learn??

-DAYUUUM t-mobile!!! im only 1 day late...GEEZ!!

-WTF Disney?!?! why do you have all these non sangin children up here making peoples ears bleed?!?! they all are not triple threats...*shoutout to my son for being the reason i have to hear these ear disasters*

-i swear..all i need is my back blown out and im good..real talk

-Damn Keebler elves for making these blazin ass shortbread cookies *if you dont know now ya know know know know*

-and a quick chuckle at my stalking son everytime he sees me with one..lol..hes too funny and greedy.

-Mmm...the flower on a birthday cake.

-damn i need some mind blowing sex..*crown royal on iiiiicce*

peace until....

K.D and his issues

Get Funny Pictures at pYzam.com

(sorry bout the cut off pic)

im talking to K.D on the phone last night and all was well until he called his mother a lazy ass. now...ive had my problems with his mom no doubt...but her and i talked it out before i left for Ga and let it rest..so no drama between her and i. she has been battling a drug habit for a very long time and ive been around 5 yrs and have watched her try to quit go to program after program and relapse after relapse. i think by now im in the loop of when shes bullishin and when shes for real. this time y'all i feel real good about it. its just something about her now..she calls me and checks on her grandson and her due soon grandson *she NEVER did that prior*..shes in church most of the week...if not at church at her moms house..shes driving again..her daughters come and hang out with her...her sisters see about her instead of judging her..she got married this past Sept to a good christian man that keeps her leveled and in church...her bills are paid..she doesnt ask K.D for money AT ALL *i asked him*

so...why would K.D be an ASS about one simple thing she didnt do..something he couldve done himself being that he IS 27 yrs old?? it baffles me..so..i called my "rock" my grandmother who was an alcoholic and got clean way before i was born. she told me the reason he is being this way is because he isnt used to having such an independent mom and hes used to her relapsing. bascially hes in recovery too and doesnt quite know how to welcome this new woman God is working on.

i got pissed at him last night and seriously had to hang up with him before it got too out of hand...its like she cant do right..she gets high..shes a "crackhead b*tch and a lazy ass and a no good mother/grandmother"..she not getting high..shes still a lazy ass...people,ive witnessed all of this..i understand the anger i just dont understand the disrespect. i guess being that i didnt have to live through it i wouldnt know..but it pains me to see her actually trying this time and God opening soo many doors that wasnt available to her when HE knew she wasnt ready for it..im happy for her and proud and am wishing her the best in her recovery.

but....

how do i get K.D to see his "new mother"??

how do i get him to open his mind to actually building a mother/son relationship with her??

how do i get him to drop the disrespect??

because if he doesnt respect her...ladies and gentlemen...he wont respect me.

real talk

peace until.....

some thoughts

wow..i have nothing to rant and rave about. everything is pretty good these days..so can i type about being happy?? lol..i guess i can. things are pretty decent..no bull ish going on in the home...K.D is super excited to get here *cant get none..ima be cut open then stapled shut and on cloud 9 from percocets* so i guess its a good thing hes excited to see his kids and myself..lol..and i miss my mom soo much.

speaking of my mom..i am super proud of this woman..she called this morning and told me she started her Masters program..here i am thinking she was doing that in Jan she springs she started it already!! im so inspired by her..she is truly my hero and an exceptional woman...she has taught me that it is NEVER too late to do what you desire in life..but she does stress to me that she wants me to go soon after Braylon is born and trust me..i have every plan and intention to adhere to what my mama says...she doesnt want me to wait as long as she did.

im 23 and i really see how many sacrifices my mom has had to make to provide for myself and my brother..she is amazing and i have this new found respect for her..ive noticed that me becoming a mother has brought her and i even closer..i learn from her and i really pay attention to the things she says and mistakes she tells me she has made. when K.D was acting stupid it was my mom who helped me stay strong for lil mar and keep focus of why i was doing the things i was..im trying to NOT be one of those women playing the back and forth game with an idiot and in the meantime hurting her children by exposing them to dysfunction..i just so happened to luck out and he started seeing things my way..i guess distance does make the heart grow fonder or makes the blind see..lol..which ever..im just glad he started to see things the way i was..my mom is my queen i love her and have so much respect for her..shes amazing.

i love and adore you mommy.

13 days til me amd my family welcome our little Braylon James!! im soo excited to not be pregnant ever again!!!

SHOTS OF PATRON BAAABEEEE!!!!!

So?? Is everyone fat and full and still in need of leftovers?

i ate well...im at the point in pregnancy where food isnt all that...dropping this load is my main priority..lol..im more than ready!! but ill chill and just relax these next 17 days..i have no desire to move or go anywhere.
i was going to hit the stores this morning and get good prices on some items for mar and the new one *he already has a name for those who dont know..its Braylon James*...but instead i went the day before thanksgiving because i was in no mood to deal with people and their foolishness on black friday. i got what i needed for both children and im happy so thats all that matters.

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Can i just give one of my muscial mentors some praise real quick?? jill scott...do i need to say anymore?? im going to anyway...from the moment ive heard this womans voice i was hooked!! im listening to her latest and it just seems like she cant get any better...shes amazing!! this album is definitely a hit as well as that "i just want to make love and be sexxy" type of album. K.D laughs at how much i idolize this woman..but can you blame me?? shes awesome!! truly a beautifully talented woman that exudes natural beauty and sexiness. lord let me stop sounding like i have a lesbian crush on jill...lol..i just appreciate TRUE talent..music that makes you feel every instrument and note and lyric. when im lost as to what i want to say in writing at times to K.D *i used to just write lil things to him to make him feel ME and how i was feeling at times* id sit and listen to jill and get that inspiration of love she gave in her first album..you felt how much love she felt for her now ex-husband on "Lyzell in E-Flat"..i still cant get enough of that song..shoot..that album..dammit..ALL her albums...lol.

listening to this latest one...some songs remind me of how i much i miss K.D and the time is right around the corner to his arrival...this album is sexual,beautiful, and has so much truth in about troubled relationships as well...highly recommended to all that havent had the change to experience it yet.

Love You Jill...keep it coming.

A question i wanna know from you all...who totally amazes you with their level of talent?? it can be anyone..whoever inspires you.

peace until.....

ENJOY!!!

HAVE A BLESSED DAY EVERYONE...WE ALL HAVE GREAT THINGS TO BE THANKFUL FOR!!

Eeeek!

Went to the doc today thinking all was well in my pregnant world..wrong..she tells me im "soft" **that means your cervix and birth canal is getting ready for birth** now those of you that have been with me from the start..i am to have another c-section...never had a vaginal birth. so my doc is like i need to REALLY chill out these next 3 weeks and remain stress free, no cleaning nor too much moving..blah blah blah...i am NOT to labor at all what so ever. im a bit concerned because i dont want my new little one to come into this world and my mom nor his dad havent made it down just yet. they will be here the 7th of December...the fact that im waiting on K.D to send me the money so i may hit the stores and get a bassinet along with other items the baby needs is killing me as well as the fact that the car seat is coming when they come because its been at K.D's simce shamarr grew out of it **good thing we kept it..huh??** his silly behind was supposed to go this morning and put it in my account..he has til tomorrow before i get impatient..hes good with stuff like this so when he hasnt made it i know theres a legitimate reason. 0 stress remember??





anyhoo...wanna know something else i have zero tolerance for?? True ghetto folk!! i cant stand when people feel the dying need to show where they are from no matter where they are..they lack the time and place factor in their brain.
im in the doc office today and of course would be accompanied by 2 ghetto..and when i say ghetto i mean EXTREMELY GHETTO ..cussing in the waiting area...talking about smoking weed before they got there **one is pregnant..due in 2 weeks..yes...told all her business**..coughing up phlem and instead of excusing herself decides to ask through the phlem "wheres the bathroom?" **gross..i know**...laughing loud..talking loud **i couldnt hear my aunt who was trying her damnest to talk my ear off..guees i should thank the hood rats for that one..lol**.
i just dont understand people that act that way...maybe because my mother uprooted us out of the projects at the tender ages of 4 and 1...im glad she did or i might have ended up like Sha-naynay and Asheekahshay...i wish they could see themselves in a clearer light..so unlady like

**Shaking my head** *Deep Sigh*

Just Bloggin...

Ok...its a known fact to those who know me i am a fan of beyonce, i have the utmost respect for her level of work ethic and ability to somehow someway always deliver an awesome performance...but...WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT LAST NIGHT AT THE AMA's?? Once again..i love and respect all genres of music but sometimes it just dont work when blending 2 together...hence this performance being sure proof of that...i really wanted my girl to trip or fall off the stage to detour our attention to another plunge down some stairs rather than this "challenged" performance. What was Ne-Yo thinking giving rights to Mr Knowles to go out and do foolishness with it?!?! i will never look at "Irreplaceable" the same....EVER!! It was funny beyond belief!!!


On to important things...
*real quick..im not too keen on constantly hitting your child..but i think my son is testing me and im about to get in his ass as we speak..hes been doing this for a while and im ready to turn his brown ass red*

*Ahem*...now..

i was trying to say that im starting to get a little worried about the huge transition i am about to place my son in.
i baby-sat for my cousins 10 mth-old daughter this past Saturday *my Nani-pooh so cute!* everything was fine..mar played with her and helped me take care of her and what have you..until...nani was getting tired and she is still at that age where she wants to be held while she tries to sleep. all hell broke loose...shamarr started kicking the bed,crying real tears,and throwing tantrums. i automatically felt that twinge in my heart asking me "is this the way he is going to act once the new baby arrives?" the boy asked me to put Nani on the floor...he was dead serious...lol...so..i layed her down **on the bed!!my son doesnt have THAT much control over me..lol** took him into my arms and asked was this how hed act when his brother arrived?? would you believe my recently 3 yr old answered me "yes"..i was taken back..i mean..i cant blame him for his honesty..lol..but my goodness!! hes a trip. im hoping with my mom being here for the month of december it will be of help and get him flowing pretty decent with this change...im hoping it goes smoothly **crossing fingers,toes,legs,and anything else i can cross..lol**

ive been thinking...had i gone through with aborting this child im carrying...i wouldnt be making the changes ive started making baby steps toward...maybe i should say huge steps because the first step was leaving Ct **i still look around when im out and about Ga and think to myself "damn..i really left..im here now"**


woow..i have 3 more weeks...i cant wait..tomorrow is my doc appointment and i was looking to go get the kids some things **old navy has some cute ass things for my boys right now...definitely hitting them up**


hmmm...getting kind of tired of typing.

peace until.....

keeping my cool & Fill In The Blank Friday....

before i have some fun with filling in the blanks..lemme just say that we havent been in this complex a full month yet and im starting to see why so many people have decided to leave shortly after they moved in.

ok..im sitting at the computer,chilling,enjoying the morning to myself before my 3 yr old wakes up and i see something to my left moving around where our trash is outside...i get up and look and its a cat *ok i dont like cats..they freak me out and this one had the audacity to be eating my damn trash* i try to scare the little asshole and it didnt budge *which made opening the door to scare it away out of the damn question*...somehow i get distracted to the right and i see 2 unfamiliar bags from the damn goodwill *real quick people..i dont even know where ANY goodwill in Ga is located let alone the one in my town* and its obviously not mine!! im aggy right about now because who does stuff like that?? that little area is OUR area and i refuse to put anyone elses trash away!! HELL NO!!
so needless to say my brother took OUR trash out and put whoever the unknown trash belonged to in the middle of the walk for them to recognize and pick the hell up before i have to be on watch and get ignant!!!

*deep breathe in..aaaand..one out...okaaaaay*

****************************************************************************************

Now onto something i feel like doing...im cool with being tagged and placing fun things fellow bloggers have you do on my blog so you will get a lil feel of Ms Leesie..lol..cute i know.

Fill In The Blank Friday


1)I have zero tolerance for.... Needy people,ignorance, and low self esteem *i have a friend like that and it annoys me to my core*


2) Two sentences i've said in my lifetime that i wish i could take back are..."you aint shit and youll never be shit" and "your adopted..we found you on the street"


3) The thing I DO NOT LIKE ABOUT Thanksgiving is...grocery shopping everything is GONE!!


4) Extreme attraction ..is one thing i can admit I miss about my ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.


5) Using one word to describe my last telephone conversation,id have to say it was... quick


6)My wardrobe...needs revamping


7)ready,horny,bored,anxious...are words that describe how/what im feeling at current


8) Judging from my life as it is RIGHT NOW, if i were to die tomorrow i'd regret that i didnt...pass without fully forgiving those who have hurt me


9) To date, i have broken maybe 1 heart.


10) The last big ticket item i purchased was Ringling Bro Circus for my son


11) Three things i likely wouldnt do on a first date are...give up my goodies,say i love you,get too drunk,


12) Self-pity..is something i just cant undrstand.


13) The fondest memory i have of my childhood is...family reunions, we had a lot of fun back in the day.


14) I think my patience could use some improvement.


15) In a heated argument I am most likely to..go for the jugular, i am very likely to cause pain with my tounge.


16) These fill-in(s) are...quite strenuous, trying to think of so many things can cause a brain-fart


Alright..my brain is officially buzzing..i need a break.

peace until next time!!

*heehee* ive been tagged!

ok..this is a first for me..being tagged by a new blog buddy *shout out ms behavin* and i think im ready to have my "meme from another blogger cherry" popped..y'all ready?? here we go:

Four things i like to cook:


baked mac and cheese *Gma from Mobile Alabama style*
fried chicken
baked ziti
homemade french toast *for K.D he loves it*

Four qualities I love in people"


A good listener
Awesome sense of humor *gotta crack me up*
honesty
loyalty

Four places ive been:


*havent traveled the way id like to before i leave this earth but..*
Atl,Ga
Couple parts,AL
Orlando,Fl
Different parts,Va

Four things in my bedroom:


My bed
my journals *should i share that?*
my t.v.
my "toys" *heehee*

Four dirty words i like:


*to hear K.D say or...*
sex talk *put your own caption on that*
What the F*ck?!
Are you sh*tting me?!?
Shut the f*ck up!!
*pretty much the "f" word..which i need to stop before my lil one picks it up*


...now..im assuming she meant her tagged folk to do all of the meme's on her page so...

7 things about Alyse...hmmm...

- i am used to sex on the regular...mad at you or not..i gots to get mine.

- i love to put my own twist on male songs..i create my own version *ive never admitted that..lol*

- i have a fear of roaches and mice and any insect or rodent...i run from them while they are running from me

- one of my fears is failing as a mother and my kids dont go to college and make excellent men out of themselves *WHOO!! that just gave me a shiver*

- i really enjoy singing and was on my way to pursuing it when i found out i was pregnant again..i was looking for vocal coaches and everything.

- i love furniture shopping!! its so much fun!!

- i have a hard time getting over things *k.d's sister has disrespected me many times and i still envision beating her over the head with a blunt object..but ive taken the mature way out...left the damn state..lol*

alrighty...may have been a lil whack but it will get better trust me!!

be back later!!

apartment woes

(Lord help me face)

-why is it 12:10 a.m. and foolish people are literally stomping over my head!!!!

-really...must i hear your love for john legend early in the morning??

-do you realize you dont own your apartment and people live under,on the side and around you???

-invest in a house and you may party like a rock star all you want...for real

-are you home??? why are your children running a muck like its a playground up there?? tame they asses will you!!

-do i need to hook our stereo system up..get ghetto and blast YOUR ass out of comfort??? for real?? shall we go there??

-do your kids attend school?? the way they jump and jive around they sound big as hell!!

-make me get old school and bang my broom on my ceiling to see if you catch my drift.

-y'all better calm this ish down and get it out your system before my newborn gets here...cuz it will be ON if you keep at this speed..i have zero tolerance for ignorance!!!

-YOU LIVE IN A COMPLEX!!!! WTH IS YOURE ISSUE?!?!?! WHY DO I FEEL LIKE THE MOST CONSIDERATE PERSON AT THIS MOMENT!!!

HOOOSAAAAH....i had to release that. i have very inconsiderate upstairs neighbors that insist on letting this entire complex know what theyre doing and when theyre doing it...i have been chillen but i am close to complaining although i have this eery feeling that the people i will be complaining to might send me into labor a few weeks early...so ima chill...my newborn and my health is more important than protesting against ignorance..this complex is too nice for this mess...i mean dang...cant get away from ridiculous people no matter how hard you try.

UGH!!!

mama,i still wanna sing.

im sitting here surfing the web..looking for furniture for the new place and listening to stevie wonder..one of my fav songs of his would be "ribbon in the sky". for as long as i can remember, my mother had alot to do with that..she told me long ago that whenever she was to marry she wanted me to sing that song..i was younger then and i made it my business to learn it word for word rift for rift note for note *you get my point*.
ive always adored music and singing so much..but for some odd reason i was terribly shy..id literally have my little brother *who couldnt and still cant sing a lick*stand with me and id sing..i soon realized that if this is something i wanted to do..he couldnt stand by my side the entire time..so i let fear set in and i muffled my dreams.
i get angry with myself when i see people doing what i have dreamed of for so long..i used to feel like my dreams are over because instead of pursuing them i became a mom. but then a voice says to me "you can do whatever whenever" and it eases that dreadgul dead dream feeling.
needless to say..i still want to share my voice and gifts God has given me..no matter how he wants me to do it...my aunt *shes kind of the family wierdo..lol* has said to me repeatedly that im not going to do the music I wanna do *r&b and whatnot* but ill get into gospel..i dont care as long as im fulfilling my desire to sing and release.
thats what music of all kinds do for me..i have my personal opinion of my ex-idol yolanda adams but i still looooove her first album "through the storm" i cant get through one of those songs without filling up with so much emotion..that tells me the gift i have received is so powerful and is definitely connected to my emotions.
i really want to do something..eventually..music is my drug and when i cant release a note or two i feel confined..its weird..cant really explain it.

*mmm...just switched into some maxwell..soo soothing*

Fill In The Blank Friday

1. When it comes to matters of the heart, i have a bad habit of...giving too much of myself too soon, i give what isnt deserved way too soon.


2. If ever I were to consider getting (a)nother tatoo,the body part i would most likely put it is...somwhere on my upper back.it would be of my 2 babies handprints w/ thier names somewhere in the mix b/c i know they will always have thier mommies back..not too big though i want it classy

3.A profession (besides my current),that i would love to have is...Singer thats been my secret passion for as long as i can remember i found this tape of me when i was 8 yrs old singing "i will always love you" and it brought back so many memories of how music has made me feel and the emotion that singing has had over me from the start.

4. I am most confident in my ability to...keep positive even when the worse has emerged..i refuse to feel so down i cant get myself back up i am a firm believer that all stress and misery is self created..so is happiness..i chose happiness.


5. If I could be granted any three wishes I would ask for...my house paid off before attending school so id only have to worry about bills...school paid off..and id give the last one to my mom for whatever she wanted.


6. Two questions i would ask President Bush (if given the opportunity) are...now call me whack but ive lost all patience w/ this man and his antics so i have no idea what would come out of my mouth if he was to be in front of me...i change the channel when i see him and i may be wrong for this and should be a bit more intune b/c he has destroyed so much..but i just dont get into politics and all that..he sucks i want nothing to do with him besides waiting patiently til his term is up and we never have to deal with his slow ass again.


7. I think I have a great...sense of humor and sense of self worth.


8. The last man/woman to catch/hold my attention did so because..he had a beautiful mind,so smart and driven.

9. I certainly wouldnt mind..time to move a bit faster

Feeling Excited About my Revealation

No...im not gleefully cheesing because of the food behind me..lol..im feeling this way because ive been thinking. ive been in a pretty jacked situation since May of this year and i havent allowed myself to revel in it. im not one of those people that look at the spot in life they are in and get all mizzy about it. im the type of person who realizes what parts where my fault...and in this case it was all my fault and it was also God calling to me.
i was doing silly stuff...not so much partying b/c no matter what i part took in my son was always on my mind and number 1..but id smoke alot of weed when i say alot i mean alot...i looked at it as my escape. i was trying to not think of my unhappiness so id roll it up and blow it away. but all the while i heard this voice constantly telling me "youre ruining the voice i gave you...your mother is going to smell it shes not dumb...or...what are you doing? this isnt you why are you doing this to yourself?..i thought GA and school where next on your list?? not being a weedhead" and boom..i was pregnant..i didnt know what to do. should i abort it?? i sat in that office with this huge weight of guilt on my shoulders...they called my name..i go back there but i didnt have all the m0ney so i turned right back around got in the car and went home feeling somewhat releaved *that voice agian* "thats not what you wanted to do anyway...ive instilled in you something more...now run with it instead of trying to run away...thats not how i made you"
that voice started to make sense of who it was to me...it was God..he knew i didnt know how to stop the habit i created so he put another child in me to stop me..thats the only way i would. once i knew i was pregnant and it was to stay...my sessions stopped,my eyes opened,and i was packed and on a bus to GA by the end of August.
my point is..i have alot to be happy about because God really knows what hes doing...had he not chosen me to give birth again id still be workin at Masonic not really liking that place and smoking my brain cells away to try and forget the misery i was feeling.
now..i feel good *even though im broke and basically starting from scratch* i feel like if this is what it took for him to open my eyes and see what i was doing...then fine..im learning to budget money..im learning i can buy that new album later off itunes..when my funds are sufficient and says i can do so..now..im living for 2 human beings who will change my world and its totally up to me to change theirs and give them the life my mom wanted for my brother and me.
im so focused right now and i refuse to let anything or anyone detour me...not happening. i thank God for giving me the spirit he has..an undefeated spirit..cuz i wont be defeated.