whats on my mind

Hey guys, sorry I've been so lack-luster with my posting. I cant seem to get my mind right on a few things. Im a bit stressed and Im the type that refuses to give in to whatever is stressing me so I go into my shell and remain there until I can pull it together. Things regarding my move here to GA and the fact that I am feeling a bit discouraged about living here. Finances are not what they need to be to just pack up and go home. I've been getting ALOT of help from my Mom and I couldnt thank her enough. K.D understands that a lot of my feelings where stress related and I just felt he wasnt there the way I needed him to be (Im spoiled y'all..he did it) But my heart hurts at the fact that I made this MAJOR move and things are making me feel like I need to get home ASAP!. The education down here SUCKS!! And my son is very intelligent , that puts fear in my heart that this state WANTS children to regress!! Are you f*ken kidding me?!!? Aww hell no!! Im not having that AT ALL. My mother and I were online and she was on this website that had all the states schooling by grades and GA had a damn D!!! CT had an A- for private and B+ for public. So basically people I was better off staying where I am from.
I now realize that yeah it is cheaper to live her but you sooo pay for it with the MAJOR pay cut you receive and it sucks soo bad. Im not used to this and I can no longer deal with it. Its lowering my spirit the way I was feeling when I decided to leave. I literally feel like blowing a "j" and saying f*ck it, but I WONT I love my babies too much to give up.
I start school in 2 weeks and cant friggin wait!! I see my babies at the end that this journey and a life my mom wasnt able to give us because she didnt have the resources that I have to take advantage of.
This post was going to be about me and my relationship because this move is truly going to test our strength. My baby has NEVER lived anywhere else and he also has to change his profession for a short while sowe can get things together to get the hell out of here!!
I was nervous that he would chastise me for deciding to move back basically 5 mths after he got here. But he didnt, he actually understood that I had to find out for myself and now that I have he is more than willing to get away for a bit as well and get our minds clear and ready to completely devote ourselves to creating the life we didnt have for our boys.
He's getting his GED (thats the test he is going for) and I am proud of him. He has had it rough without having someone to guide him. He has made some silly mistakes, but somehow still remained from going down that path leading him to a dead end. He turned to barbering and realized he wasnt that type of guy, he has so much potential for greatness and I think thats what keeps me going with him. I want him to see how great he his and instill that greatness in our boys.
He will be here very soon and I cant wait. I never looked at our relationship as long distance, I dont know why because that is basically what it became since we left. He has never given me a reason to not trust him so I have no idea why I started buggin' for a hot second, like I said he has me rotten with his attention he's never been the "lovey dovey" type but I have ALWAYS had his full attention.

Ummm...this post turned into something else but whatever...lol.

Im looking forward to busting these next 6 months out..I gotta get outta here before I lose it!!

Thank you all for your kind words and making me feel a bit better.

Peace Until...

odd feeling

I have a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that i cant explain.
Ive been feeling like this since I got home tonight from washing clothes.
I dont know whats wrong guys.
I feel sad for some odd reason.
Ima take a few days off and get my emotions in check.
Love Y'all.

-Leese

i love....

MY BOYS

"Maahder, youre my best friend EVER!" thats what Shamarr tells me on a regular basis and it warms my heart. My boys are my joy and i know i express this a lot, but it was *and is* my love for them that keeps me sane these days. Times when i thought their dad and i were not going to make it, it was Shamarrs everlasting smile and strong, comical personality that kept me smiling. The fact that id get to experience another strong personality created by K.D and i grow and become a hilarious amazing little boy kept my hopes up as well as my strength. Braylon is growing more and more beautiful each and every day *ill get new pics for y'all soon..ma' damn battery died!! and its a rather expensive battery,so bare with, kay??* He is smiling and cooing and just warming my heart day by day. What really makes me feel good is that he recognizes my singing voice and when he gets a bit fussy i sing "Ribbon In the Sky" to him while playing it softly and shortly after hes asleep. My God the boy is already 10 lbs 8 oz of chubby cuteness!! He just turned 1 mth on Thursday..my fatboy..lol. Each day my love for these 2 grows stronger and i am ready to get moving on the things i need to do for them.
They are my joy.

MUSIC

An 8 yr old little girl at her karaoke machine grabs a recording tape,presses record on one side and play on the other. The side she presses "play" on softly plays "I Will Always Love You" by Whitney Houston *one of her many idols*. She puts the microphone up to her mouth and begins to sing along with Ms Houston, the feeling coming through this 8 yr old is unexplainable its a feeling she loves to feel, she is doing what she loves to do, bonding with music. She turns the playing tape over and begins to sing "Yes Jesus Loves Me". Shes alone in her element that is her bedroom singing her little heart out. Shes content, she feels good...but..shes deathly shy to do this anywhere else besides her bedroom so there she remains for years singing alone to her audience of stuffed animals and sometimes her little brother.
That little girl is obviously me and i still have that tape. Ive had a strong love for music since i can remember, my mother says since i was able to talk ive always loved music and would sing every song possible for my little mouth to sing.
Music has played a major role in my life, anything i was going through id have a song to express it and id feel a weight lifted off my chest.
First heartbreak?? Aretha healed that.
Having a bad day?? Stevie would lift my spirits.
Anything else?? Too many to name would heal the emotion roaming through my body.
I wish i could name each and every person who has influenced me musically but i would be here for hours trying to make sure i didnt leave anyone out.
Lately i havent been hiding my experiencing all kinds of new music and new artists..im prod of that, i used to be around people that wouldnt understand it and would most likely make fun of me..so id keep my love for alternative and SOME country to my self.
I adore music and i wish i wasnt so afraid of what God has given me..singing is a drug to me..if i go days without singing SOMETHING..ANYTHING i feel a sense of withdrawl and i HAVE to have an alone moment to sing. Its weird i know but its ME and its what music does to me.

K.D.

Its going on 5 yrs and i still find myself questioning why he loves me and deals with the many ups and downs that have created the makings of me.
He is this cool calm guy that doesnt say much but when he DOES say something it usually holds some weight to it. It takes alot to get a rise out of him and im usually the one that gets that rise *not THAT one!!* out of him. I hate him and i love him. He tells me the truth about me and has made me crack myself open and take a deeper look more than once. Hes an observer and he has damn sure observed this spoiled and at times selfish brat. He can be immature but lately hes been doing a good job of working on that. Hes responsible and shows me that i waste money and that i dont NEED those hot ass shoes i saw the other day *lol* He has potential to be great if only he'd have faith in himself and the plan God has for him *i do my best to encourage him and help he realize he IS talented at whatever he does*. He has made me realize love again, im a girl with "daddy issues" and in him i found that i have it in me to love and be loved. He has "mommy issues" and i hope i have showed him what love is. I know i have bad talked him and probably made him sound worse than he is but i feel like he and i are finally growing up and truly learning about the other in ways we didnt try because we were too busy protecting our hearts.
Cant wait til you get here baby.

LYNN

Wow..10 yrs, 1 falling out and we are still here by eachother side regardless of what. I am soo thankful for your friendship and i feel so good that i can ACTUALLY say that with the confidence that you feel the same. It took me a long time to truly believe you were my true friend and had my best interest at heart because of how many times ive been hurt and let down by "so-called friends". Youve let me down ONCE and you NEVER did it again. You know me like no other and it sometimes scares me because,once again, it lets me know you are truly here for me and our friendship. I can honestly say you are up there with my family and K.D I love you dearly Friend, Sister rather. I laugh from the heart with you, there is never anything phony coming from us. I am Alyse with you, I sing in front of you and you KNOW thats major *lol*. I value what we share and know that the truth will always flow my mouth when you ask..shit..even when you dont. Youre a survivor and someone i admire,you need to know that i you are strong and beautiful and can perceiver through whatever God throws your way.
I'll always have your back.
Love you Sis.

And last but truly not least...

MOMMY
(YOU ARE GOING TO KILL ME FOR THIS FLICK BUT..)

My backbone through every last thing i do. i am so taken by your strength, you are what i aspire to be. Goal orientated, strong mind, sensitive to others, so caring, generous.. a few things i am not at times. I look at what youve been through and see i can achieve anything. Im proud of you and i love you more than words can say. You deserve happiness and i hope youve found it where you are. i cant say it enough.. I Love You Mommy!! I look at those who didnt have their mothers when they needed them and i am thankful even more for you. For all the selfless things you do God has something major in the works for you lady..trust in that.
I Love You!!


***There is much more i love and am thankful for but right now..at this very moment..thats what is standing out in my mind***

peace y'all....

(ALYSE)

Feeling Excited About my Revealation

No...im not gleefully cheesing because of the food behind me..lol..im feeling this way because ive been thinking. ive been in a pretty jacked situation since May of this year and i havent allowed myself to revel in it. im not one of those people that look at the spot in life they are in and get all mizzy about it. im the type of person who realizes what parts where my fault...and in this case it was all my fault and it was also God calling to me.
i was doing silly stuff...not so much partying b/c no matter what i part took in my son was always on my mind and number 1..but id smoke alot of weed when i say alot i mean alot...i looked at it as my escape. i was trying to not think of my unhappiness so id roll it up and blow it away. but all the while i heard this voice constantly telling me "youre ruining the voice i gave you...your mother is going to smell it shes not dumb...or...what are you doing? this isnt you why are you doing this to yourself?..i thought GA and school where next on your list?? not being a weedhead" and boom..i was pregnant..i didnt know what to do. should i abort it?? i sat in that office with this huge weight of guilt on my shoulders...they called my name..i go back there but i didnt have all the m0ney so i turned right back around got in the car and went home feeling somewhat releaved *that voice agian* "thats not what you wanted to do anyway...ive instilled in you something more...now run with it instead of trying to run away...thats not how i made you"
that voice started to make sense of who it was to me...it was God..he knew i didnt know how to stop the habit i created so he put another child in me to stop me..thats the only way i would. once i knew i was pregnant and it was to stay...my sessions stopped,my eyes opened,and i was packed and on a bus to GA by the end of August.
my point is..i have alot to be happy about because God really knows what hes doing...had he not chosen me to give birth again id still be workin at Masonic not really liking that place and smoking my brain cells away to try and forget the misery i was feeling.
now..i feel good *even though im broke and basically starting from scratch* i feel like if this is what it took for him to open my eyes and see what i was doing...then fine..im learning to budget money..im learning i can buy that new album later off itunes..when my funds are sufficient and says i can do so..now..im living for 2 human beings who will change my world and its totally up to me to change theirs and give them the life my mom wanted for my brother and me.
im so focused right now and i refuse to let anything or anyone detour me...not happening. i thank God for giving me the spirit he has..an undefeated spirit..cuz i wont be defeated.

I'm such a Libra....Go from 1 extreme to the next!

Hola! What's good and how the hell are ya?!
I literally was up 5:11 this morning thinking about all these things,so I put them in the planner part of my phone to remind myself to put it in my blog...here goes:

What the hell was Adrienne Curry thinking? I'm like maybe I won't justify anything she is saying with a response but with that much ignorrance she needs a tounge slap! Obviously she hasn't fully educated herself on the history of African Americans nor Americans for that matter! Did she even mention that white folk wasn't even supposed to be here? That they took it from the Indians and have basically been fucking with everyone else of another race since then? They had a huge habit of coming to other continents and countries messing with the people. I think she needs to have a seat,shut her unintellegent mouth,and do some mindless modeling...for real. I think she's bored she needs to try some "go sees" and find a job! Stop trying to be the spokeswoman for silly ass white folk! Ugh! *not a racist every race has some silly ass people in it*

I was lying in bed thinking about how I have forgotten so many things and realize your brain isn't in full active mode when you're preggers. I can't remember how to spell words I used to have no problem with! Now,I wonder if that's because I'm lacking school attendance or my preggers status? Now I'm confused :( I have faith that I will be in school soon and ALL my knowledgable words will return to me along with brand new ones! But seriously I was trying to remember things from right before I got pregnant and its a blur! I'm like am I slow,is my memory leaving me? I need my memories! They're important! But whatev,maybe they'll come back after my new sweetie is born.

I watched the Wendy Williams Experience on VH1 and made me miss home sooo much. She's not sindicated here in Ga and it hurts! She's my guilty pleasure! I know she says some foul ish at times but she's hilarious and the people that call in are hilarious!! Next mission after furnishing my place: get satellite radio for my car and crib cuz I just googled that she's on satellite radio!! WooHoo!! For real, I neeeed my Wendy fix!! I'm used to hearing her crazy butt..she keeps me laughing when I don't wanna!! WENDY COME BACK TO ME!! Lol!

She had my boy Kanye on there recently and he is too funny! He was slightly intoxicated,to his own confessing,and had me cracking up after the interview! I love love love Kanye even though he has his "diva moments" like he said they are usually a build up of other things,like when you argue with your man/girl and someone comes and says the wrong thing they feel the raft of what was in your head. So the MTV spazz out was a build up of things...he wasn't being a complete ass and i believe him.Thank God for my lil brother I don't have to worry about not having his cd b/c he uploaded it to our Itunes,so Im good. But anyway, like I always say the talented ones are usually a lil cooky.

My baby brother will be here sometime next week I can't wait I miss him sooo much!!! Ill feel so much better once he's here. I'm super close to him and my mom,this month has been killing me! My mom will be here for good in Dec,the first week to be exact. I'm having another C-Section so ima need my mommy.

*Life after love/My Ideal Man...is there such a thing? Even if there isn't I'm still making a "Joan List"*
Here goes:

-Artistic
-Gentle
-Raised correctly
-Loves to please his woman at any cost
-Enjoys children *no pedi's..ill killya..I'm deadass*
-Intellectual*someone I can learn from and gel with*
-Enjoys ALL music
-Affectionate
-Is willing to get to know and understand me
-NOTHING LIKE MY FATHER
-Know God and is willing to fully get to know him when the time is right
-Great sense of humor
-Can hold a conversation
-Goal orientated
-Romantic
-Demands respect in that sexy ass Common way *that man is the definition of sexy to me*
-Non-homophobic *knows his manhood*
*I don't think I'm asking for too much..these things I didnt think of at the age of 18 when I got with my kids dad..I'm expanding my mind set and getting intouch with what I deserve*

Until next time!

Wasn't Really Love/My Mom My Mentor

*Interesting movie I'm watching based on a true story about a woman who has poisioned her husband for insurance money and is now poisioning her teenaged daughter for her insurance money,she basically cons every person she comes in contact w/. She married a man in Fl,told him she had an incurable blood disease and had to go to a medical center in TX,she leaves,calls him herself pretending to be a twin and says her "sister" is dead! Would you believe she returned to him as her "twin sister"? And fools this damn obviously gullible guy ...carzy crazy lady*

Anyway,I feel liberated because I finally told my kids father how I truly felt,after him begging me to talk to him and whatnot,but I finally got it out. Of course it lead right back to him being his disrespectful self but what else was I expecting? For him to actually be open to what I had to say? Would you believe he had the nerve to say to me the reason why,when me and his son had no money for food, the reason he didn't give me any money or see about us was because I had too much pride?! That was the straw that broke the camels back! You mean to tell me my pride is more important to you than your sons growling stomache? Get the F outta here! He just made it easier to move on. So of course I'm a "dumb ass bitch" because I told him everything he didn't want hear. So! Needless to say that my relationship w/ the worse person I could've linked myself to is over! I can thank him for one thing though, MY BOYS!! These are the things that happen when you are truly fed up, a place I figured I'd get to just not this soon. I always had this feeling that he was addicted to my sex and I was to his. I mean sexually, we were insync everything was on point. I knew for a fact I had him wrapped as far as sex goes,but communication? That was so far off it aint even funny. I don't think he knows me nor understands me,I think he has it in his head I'm "sadity" becuase I want a house of my own a nice car and I want my kids in private school. What's wrong with wanting what I didn't have because my mother had to work her ass off 2 jobs to fend for me and my brother?! I'm going to school next year and I will have a full on career by the age of 30, I'm 23 on the 5th of October. Believe you me, I'm not going to wait, I'll do while my kids are young. Guess it wasn't really love.

I'm glad and so thankful to have the foundation that I have. My mom is my strength,she's an amazing woman in my eyes. The older I get the more I'm like her and I'm loving it. I handled Shamarr Sr in a manner I wouldn't have 1 yr ago, I would've been in Ct (of course) bashing in every part of his car and at his head with some kind of weapon. But now that I realize that is not the example I want to set for my babies, I won't act that way. My kids mean so much to me and I'm glad to have that in me because if I didn't mean what I do to my mom I'd probably be a whole different type of person.

Something I've always respected my mother for was that she had her pursuers but she NEVER brought them around myself and my brother. She handled herself so ladylike, she never had us around different men and whatnot. I think its because of all the kinds of abuse that happens when you let a foriegn man around your children. My mother would've literally committed a murder! No lie! I just hope to progress and be more like my mother, we came out pretty good and want the same for my kids. As for now, I have 2 boyfriends Shamarr Jr and Braylon
Peace Until Lata!