feeling stronger...my babies

YOU AND I
WILL NEVER FALL APART



(my babe HATES this flick..he thinks he looks like a sad puppy..i think he looks as "nice" as we were that nite)

Cancer Man and Libra Woman This match has as many chances of working as of not-working. The initial start will be very good, the main problem will come in making it work, on a much more permanent basis. One of the areas where differences will crop up is the money department, he loves to save and she loves to shop. He is much more practical and sensible than she is. Infact, she is more carefree about life and likes to take each day as it comes. He may at times not express his feelings fully, which will frustrate her very much. The best way to make this match work is by conversing.



This freaks me out how accurate it is!!
This is K.D and I to the 10th power!!! I am soooo the frivolous shopper and he is the responsible spender.
My better half.
This is why i feel we just might have a chance...we balance eachother out.
Just when I thought we were done and had absolutely nothing in common. We shocked one another and have been closer than ever.
I can TALK to him now without feeling like Im talking to my self or talking to someone who doesnt care rather.
Im proud of where we are in this short period of time.
We are eachothers strength and I realize NOW that I am who I am today because HE made me look at myself.
I love him for that.
Im so happy we are making it work.


***********************************************************************************************

NEW PICS OF THE KIDDIES!!!

i love....

MY BOYS

"Maahder, youre my best friend EVER!" thats what Shamarr tells me on a regular basis and it warms my heart. My boys are my joy and i know i express this a lot, but it was *and is* my love for them that keeps me sane these days. Times when i thought their dad and i were not going to make it, it was Shamarrs everlasting smile and strong, comical personality that kept me smiling. The fact that id get to experience another strong personality created by K.D and i grow and become a hilarious amazing little boy kept my hopes up as well as my strength. Braylon is growing more and more beautiful each and every day *ill get new pics for y'all soon..ma' damn battery died!! and its a rather expensive battery,so bare with, kay??* He is smiling and cooing and just warming my heart day by day. What really makes me feel good is that he recognizes my singing voice and when he gets a bit fussy i sing "Ribbon In the Sky" to him while playing it softly and shortly after hes asleep. My God the boy is already 10 lbs 8 oz of chubby cuteness!! He just turned 1 mth on Thursday..my fatboy..lol. Each day my love for these 2 grows stronger and i am ready to get moving on the things i need to do for them.
They are my joy.

MUSIC

An 8 yr old little girl at her karaoke machine grabs a recording tape,presses record on one side and play on the other. The side she presses "play" on softly plays "I Will Always Love You" by Whitney Houston *one of her many idols*. She puts the microphone up to her mouth and begins to sing along with Ms Houston, the feeling coming through this 8 yr old is unexplainable its a feeling she loves to feel, she is doing what she loves to do, bonding with music. She turns the playing tape over and begins to sing "Yes Jesus Loves Me". Shes alone in her element that is her bedroom singing her little heart out. Shes content, she feels good...but..shes deathly shy to do this anywhere else besides her bedroom so there she remains for years singing alone to her audience of stuffed animals and sometimes her little brother.
That little girl is obviously me and i still have that tape. Ive had a strong love for music since i can remember, my mother says since i was able to talk ive always loved music and would sing every song possible for my little mouth to sing.
Music has played a major role in my life, anything i was going through id have a song to express it and id feel a weight lifted off my chest.
First heartbreak?? Aretha healed that.
Having a bad day?? Stevie would lift my spirits.
Anything else?? Too many to name would heal the emotion roaming through my body.
I wish i could name each and every person who has influenced me musically but i would be here for hours trying to make sure i didnt leave anyone out.
Lately i havent been hiding my experiencing all kinds of new music and new artists..im prod of that, i used to be around people that wouldnt understand it and would most likely make fun of me..so id keep my love for alternative and SOME country to my self.
I adore music and i wish i wasnt so afraid of what God has given me..singing is a drug to me..if i go days without singing SOMETHING..ANYTHING i feel a sense of withdrawl and i HAVE to have an alone moment to sing. Its weird i know but its ME and its what music does to me.

K.D.

Its going on 5 yrs and i still find myself questioning why he loves me and deals with the many ups and downs that have created the makings of me.
He is this cool calm guy that doesnt say much but when he DOES say something it usually holds some weight to it. It takes alot to get a rise out of him and im usually the one that gets that rise *not THAT one!!* out of him. I hate him and i love him. He tells me the truth about me and has made me crack myself open and take a deeper look more than once. Hes an observer and he has damn sure observed this spoiled and at times selfish brat. He can be immature but lately hes been doing a good job of working on that. Hes responsible and shows me that i waste money and that i dont NEED those hot ass shoes i saw the other day *lol* He has potential to be great if only he'd have faith in himself and the plan God has for him *i do my best to encourage him and help he realize he IS talented at whatever he does*. He has made me realize love again, im a girl with "daddy issues" and in him i found that i have it in me to love and be loved. He has "mommy issues" and i hope i have showed him what love is. I know i have bad talked him and probably made him sound worse than he is but i feel like he and i are finally growing up and truly learning about the other in ways we didnt try because we were too busy protecting our hearts.
Cant wait til you get here baby.

LYNN

Wow..10 yrs, 1 falling out and we are still here by eachother side regardless of what. I am soo thankful for your friendship and i feel so good that i can ACTUALLY say that with the confidence that you feel the same. It took me a long time to truly believe you were my true friend and had my best interest at heart because of how many times ive been hurt and let down by "so-called friends". Youve let me down ONCE and you NEVER did it again. You know me like no other and it sometimes scares me because,once again, it lets me know you are truly here for me and our friendship. I can honestly say you are up there with my family and K.D I love you dearly Friend, Sister rather. I laugh from the heart with you, there is never anything phony coming from us. I am Alyse with you, I sing in front of you and you KNOW thats major *lol*. I value what we share and know that the truth will always flow my mouth when you ask..shit..even when you dont. Youre a survivor and someone i admire,you need to know that i you are strong and beautiful and can perceiver through whatever God throws your way.
I'll always have your back.
Love you Sis.

And last but truly not least...

MOMMY
(YOU ARE GOING TO KILL ME FOR THIS FLICK BUT..)

My backbone through every last thing i do. i am so taken by your strength, you are what i aspire to be. Goal orientated, strong mind, sensitive to others, so caring, generous.. a few things i am not at times. I look at what youve been through and see i can achieve anything. Im proud of you and i love you more than words can say. You deserve happiness and i hope youve found it where you are. i cant say it enough.. I Love You Mommy!! I look at those who didnt have their mothers when they needed them and i am thankful even more for you. For all the selfless things you do God has something major in the works for you lady..trust in that.
I Love You!!


***There is much more i love and am thankful for but right now..at this very moment..thats what is standing out in my mind***

peace y'all....

(ALYSE)

some thoughts

wow..i have nothing to rant and rave about. everything is pretty good these days..so can i type about being happy?? lol..i guess i can. things are pretty decent..no bull ish going on in the home...K.D is super excited to get here *cant get none..ima be cut open then stapled shut and on cloud 9 from percocets* so i guess its a good thing hes excited to see his kids and myself..lol..and i miss my mom soo much.

speaking of my mom..i am super proud of this woman..she called this morning and told me she started her Masters program..here i am thinking she was doing that in Jan she springs she started it already!! im so inspired by her..she is truly my hero and an exceptional woman...she has taught me that it is NEVER too late to do what you desire in life..but she does stress to me that she wants me to go soon after Braylon is born and trust me..i have every plan and intention to adhere to what my mama says...she doesnt want me to wait as long as she did.

im 23 and i really see how many sacrifices my mom has had to make to provide for myself and my brother..she is amazing and i have this new found respect for her..ive noticed that me becoming a mother has brought her and i even closer..i learn from her and i really pay attention to the things she says and mistakes she tells me she has made. when K.D was acting stupid it was my mom who helped me stay strong for lil mar and keep focus of why i was doing the things i was..im trying to NOT be one of those women playing the back and forth game with an idiot and in the meantime hurting her children by exposing them to dysfunction..i just so happened to luck out and he started seeing things my way..i guess distance does make the heart grow fonder or makes the blind see..lol..which ever..im just glad he started to see things the way i was..my mom is my queen i love her and have so much respect for her..shes amazing.

i love and adore you mommy.

13 days til me amd my family welcome our little Braylon James!! im soo excited to not be pregnant ever again!!!

SHOTS OF PATRON BAAABEEEE!!!!!

addiction n stuff

Tonite on MTV is a special about "really grew into himself and morphed into a fine young brother" R&B singer Mario and his heroin addict mother.

This special brings some feelingsup for me and how I really empathized with my K.D and his simblings. It also made me sit back and appreciate my mother and how something so tragic could have been a part of my life but it wasn't because I was blessed with a strong mother.

The only difference is our genetic addiction is alcohol *my mother is such a litewieght its hilarious*. It just made a twinge *very small* of feeling rise and I thought of K.D.

Buuut anyhoo! I'm considering taking a break from sex *not like I've had any lately being away from where I'd get some for 2 mths now* but I'm starting to think that focusing on my kids & myself just might do my mind good *even though my body is craving something long hard and juicy....quick freaky thought...aaaand I'm back*.

I feel like that's what complicated things with K.D because he's been my go to guy when I was in need for "some good extra loving". And now that he's not here...I'm able to disect our relationship to its core *even though what he got "swanging" is my weakness* I'm glad my weakness isn't here to make me weak.

Aint nothing wrong with hittin a freaky storeup...hmmm....rather soon.

So random....lol!

nothing special

I am very happy these days! My mommy and my brother are finally here!! I feel a whole lot better!! I was feeling kinda lonely and since they've been here I just feel alive.

Things wil definitely get into motion being that the cars here now. No more relying on unreliable people who are too detatched from reality to call yourself depending on. I'm not used to needed anyone and I couldn't be happier the car has made its way here and my independance is restored!!

Sad to say my mommy will be leaving on Sunday *pouting like a brat* I'm majorly attached to mi madre if you can't tell by now. But we are going to check this apartment out....didn't mention things fell through with the one I really wanted..but oh well.

I watched Tyras show today and they were talking about women and porn. Of course they had a split panel of "anti-porn" women and women who didn't mind it. Being that talking to the television isn't a way to get your point across because lets face it..no ones going to hear or answer my crazy ass..I wanted to speak my opinion:
I personally don't mind porn *I prefer black porn..if that's what we call it* I watch it with my kids dad he's the only person I'm comfortable enough with. Its keeps things fun and shoot...I learn something from the freaky people that get paid for having sex. Im a rather sexual person and I wouldn't consider myself as raunchy because I do enjoy porn.
Her to each his own...ill take my porn and get what I gotta out of it.

That's all I got for today...not much going on that I'd like to spill out.

Lata!