hella ballz.....

I know I posted already today...but I gotta get this off my chest.

*its 11:15...I'm usually out for the count by now*

My phone has been nonstop since what? Bout 9 sumthn? Of course its my K.D *kids dad...for slow folk I'm not in the "babydaddy"crew* but anyhoo...this guy won't stop calling...I'm silencing the dayum calls...y? Cuz I aint got a dayum thing to say to his narrow blck azz!!
I'm trying to peacefully scope out some lip goodies on BNBWorks website on my good ol sidekick...and this niggro keeps interupting me!!

So....I finally just say the hell with it and pick up the flagnabit phone and to my surprise.....HE HAS NO CONVO FOR ME!!! What was ya point of calling?! You have zero apologies for being a cunt *I know...ewww..heehee* 3 days ago....you never admitt to your wrong doing so why...oh why!! would I have a normal convo w/ you?

That's the thing....he's going on like I didn't tell him he and I where a dead issue...know harsh feelings...I just don't take well to disrespect...dudes like him do what you allow and my wonderful people...I'm in a different state of mind...I've had it with ghetto small minded niggros who think they owe somethin to "the hood"...huh?...you lose me everytime that comes out ya mouth. It did nothing but turn you into a hideous person *not intended for the small percentage that make it out alright b/c they have the DESIRE to...he's not on yall level trust me*
But errumm.....I'm at a complete hault for words...thank God the phone he called from died cuz it was like talking to my sperm doner.....dead air.....*crickets*

*deep sigh* had to vent that real quick

todays events....

Where do I begin...

I went to church today with my aunt WCCI to be precise *Creflos church..the one where everyone tries to scare you outta going because they supposedly ask for your W2 forms and have ATMS and blah blah* that's all funny to me because it usually comes from people that have never been there. Its my 3rd or 4th time there and they haven't asked me for a thing nor do they have an ATM machine anywhere in sight.

But anyhoo..being in the state of mind I've been in I totally need the word of God so I've been going and Creflo definitely tells you things you need to hear..no complaints from me Cref'. But he wasn't there this service I was introduced to his wife Taffi *my Lord what names..match made in heaven Creflo and Taffi..lol j/p * and I found myself half listening to her. She doesn't have that pizazz that Cref has to make you listen...she stutters a bit much and it throws you off *I have cousins that have stuttering probs nothing against anyone who does..just not meant for public speaking...figgadill me?* but I felt like I got something from her just not what I get from Cref...he feels like he's talking directly to me and really makes me feel a whole lot better *I'm very aware that that's God working through him on me..and its def working...I feel it*

My time was cut short with Ms Taffi due to a misbehaving almost 3 yr old that I bore. I couldn't believe how he was acting today. We literally had to leave about an hr early and I was livid. I lit his but up when we got home...took his toys...and disconnected the video game. Peeps, I'm dead serious,my son plays video games and knows what he's doing without any help. So I called myself doing something by taking it all away for unacceptable behavior. I explained why these things were happening,not like he gave a crap or anything I just like to think I'm doing what I have to to keep him on the right track. Yes?

He's cool now and I'm hella hungry...can't wait for the food to be done.

I'm feeling real positive right now...I'm glad this weekend is over b/c I'll soon hear the status of the apartment I've been scoping *Haaaayyyy*
I've been told claim it and its yours..I'm claiming it and believing its mine. Ill feel even better when I hear those words..I'm so focused and ready to get my new life in motion..I see great things happening for me and foundation *mom and lil bruh Jay*. Moms starting on her Masters degree and I'm so excited and nervous b/c she stresses so bad w/ school..but I know shell be fine she always is in the end.

My special ed father had the nerve to call me and was so nervous it was dead air for a hot second *giggle*...but whatev..I told him I don't have time to sit around and dwell on his drama.. I told him the point of me leaving Ct was to get the hoollahay away from him and everything else that caused me agony there. And trust me..he cause a lot of my stress..him and Mar Sr..I've let them both go for now cold turkey *no shakes though...crawling skin maybe..HA!!* All is well though I won't let gravity hold me down..I'm an air sign we meant to fly!!
LIBRAS STAND UP!!! *what the hell alyse?? lmao*

I'm such a Libra....Go from 1 extreme to the next!

Hola! What's good and how the hell are ya?!
I literally was up 5:11 this morning thinking about all these things,so I put them in the planner part of my phone to remind myself to put it in my blog...here goes:

What the hell was Adrienne Curry thinking? I'm like maybe I won't justify anything she is saying with a response but with that much ignorrance she needs a tounge slap! Obviously she hasn't fully educated herself on the history of African Americans nor Americans for that matter! Did she even mention that white folk wasn't even supposed to be here? That they took it from the Indians and have basically been fucking with everyone else of another race since then? They had a huge habit of coming to other continents and countries messing with the people. I think she needs to have a seat,shut her unintellegent mouth,and do some mindless modeling...for real. I think she's bored she needs to try some "go sees" and find a job! Stop trying to be the spokeswoman for silly ass white folk! Ugh! *not a racist every race has some silly ass people in it*

I was lying in bed thinking about how I have forgotten so many things and realize your brain isn't in full active mode when you're preggers. I can't remember how to spell words I used to have no problem with! Now,I wonder if that's because I'm lacking school attendance or my preggers status? Now I'm confused :( I have faith that I will be in school soon and ALL my knowledgable words will return to me along with brand new ones! But seriously I was trying to remember things from right before I got pregnant and its a blur! I'm like am I slow,is my memory leaving me? I need my memories! They're important! But whatev,maybe they'll come back after my new sweetie is born.

I watched the Wendy Williams Experience on VH1 and made me miss home sooo much. She's not sindicated here in Ga and it hurts! She's my guilty pleasure! I know she says some foul ish at times but she's hilarious and the people that call in are hilarious!! Next mission after furnishing my place: get satellite radio for my car and crib cuz I just googled that she's on satellite radio!! WooHoo!! For real, I neeeed my Wendy fix!! I'm used to hearing her crazy butt..she keeps me laughing when I don't wanna!! WENDY COME BACK TO ME!! Lol!

She had my boy Kanye on there recently and he is too funny! He was slightly intoxicated,to his own confessing,and had me cracking up after the interview! I love love love Kanye even though he has his "diva moments" like he said they are usually a build up of other things,like when you argue with your man/girl and someone comes and says the wrong thing they feel the raft of what was in your head. So the MTV spazz out was a build up of things...he wasn't being a complete ass and i believe him.Thank God for my lil brother I don't have to worry about not having his cd b/c he uploaded it to our Itunes,so Im good. But anyway, like I always say the talented ones are usually a lil cooky.

My baby brother will be here sometime next week I can't wait I miss him sooo much!!! Ill feel so much better once he's here. I'm super close to him and my mom,this month has been killing me! My mom will be here for good in Dec,the first week to be exact. I'm having another C-Section so ima need my mommy.

*Life after love/My Ideal Man...is there such a thing? Even if there isn't I'm still making a "Joan List"*
Here goes:

-Artistic
-Gentle
-Raised correctly
-Loves to please his woman at any cost
-Enjoys children *no pedi's..ill killya..I'm deadass*
-Intellectual*someone I can learn from and gel with*
-Enjoys ALL music
-Affectionate
-Is willing to get to know and understand me
-NOTHING LIKE MY FATHER
-Know God and is willing to fully get to know him when the time is right
-Great sense of humor
-Can hold a conversation
-Goal orientated
-Romantic
-Demands respect in that sexy ass Common way *that man is the definition of sexy to me*
-Non-homophobic *knows his manhood*
*I don't think I'm asking for too much..these things I didnt think of at the age of 18 when I got with my kids dad..I'm expanding my mind set and getting intouch with what I deserve*

Until next time!

Wasn't Really Love/My Mom My Mentor

*Interesting movie I'm watching based on a true story about a woman who has poisioned her husband for insurance money and is now poisioning her teenaged daughter for her insurance money,she basically cons every person she comes in contact w/. She married a man in Fl,told him she had an incurable blood disease and had to go to a medical center in TX,she leaves,calls him herself pretending to be a twin and says her "sister" is dead! Would you believe she returned to him as her "twin sister"? And fools this damn obviously gullible guy ...carzy crazy lady*

Anyway,I feel liberated because I finally told my kids father how I truly felt,after him begging me to talk to him and whatnot,but I finally got it out. Of course it lead right back to him being his disrespectful self but what else was I expecting? For him to actually be open to what I had to say? Would you believe he had the nerve to say to me the reason why,when me and his son had no money for food, the reason he didn't give me any money or see about us was because I had too much pride?! That was the straw that broke the camels back! You mean to tell me my pride is more important to you than your sons growling stomache? Get the F outta here! He just made it easier to move on. So of course I'm a "dumb ass bitch" because I told him everything he didn't want hear. So! Needless to say that my relationship w/ the worse person I could've linked myself to is over! I can thank him for one thing though, MY BOYS!! These are the things that happen when you are truly fed up, a place I figured I'd get to just not this soon. I always had this feeling that he was addicted to my sex and I was to his. I mean sexually, we were insync everything was on point. I knew for a fact I had him wrapped as far as sex goes,but communication? That was so far off it aint even funny. I don't think he knows me nor understands me,I think he has it in his head I'm "sadity" becuase I want a house of my own a nice car and I want my kids in private school. What's wrong with wanting what I didn't have because my mother had to work her ass off 2 jobs to fend for me and my brother?! I'm going to school next year and I will have a full on career by the age of 30, I'm 23 on the 5th of October. Believe you me, I'm not going to wait, I'll do while my kids are young. Guess it wasn't really love.

I'm glad and so thankful to have the foundation that I have. My mom is my strength,she's an amazing woman in my eyes. The older I get the more I'm like her and I'm loving it. I handled Shamarr Sr in a manner I wouldn't have 1 yr ago, I would've been in Ct (of course) bashing in every part of his car and at his head with some kind of weapon. But now that I realize that is not the example I want to set for my babies, I won't act that way. My kids mean so much to me and I'm glad to have that in me because if I didn't mean what I do to my mom I'd probably be a whole different type of person.

Something I've always respected my mother for was that she had her pursuers but she NEVER brought them around myself and my brother. She handled herself so ladylike, she never had us around different men and whatnot. I think its because of all the kinds of abuse that happens when you let a foriegn man around your children. My mother would've literally committed a murder! No lie! I just hope to progress and be more like my mother, we came out pretty good and want the same for my kids. As for now, I have 2 boyfriends Shamarr Jr and Braylon
Peace Until Lata!

Random

So much is going on in my head I don't know where to begin. I guess I'll start with the random. I had a blog but for reason it won't let me get to it and pick up where I left off..SO..I had to begin anew. Can't say that's a bad thing my mind has so much in it I guess starting over won't be so bad.

Anyhoo....I finally made my "big" move to the Peach State known as Georgia. So far I'm just trying to get what I need done and then I'd consider myself officially settled. I wouldn't consider myself settled at the moment because I'm staying at my aunts house...and for those who have ever had to live with other people for even a split second..no matter what they say to make you feel comfortable..you're just not comfortable because you're not "home",ya know? But you gotta crawl before you walk,so I'm taking it for what it is and I realize I'm not going to be here for the remainder of my time in Ga so why stress?

Other things. I'm now preggers again,6 mths to be exact,at first I wasn't so excited because I just lost 50lbs and that was MAJOR to me. But for some reason,I'd call it maternal instinct,I'm good now and ready to meet my new baby boy and once again strive to do my best for both my boys. I feel really good saying that "my boys", boys are always good to there moms and something about that warms my heart. His name will be Braylon James a wonderful addition to myself and his big bro Shamarr Marquise. We are very excited.

As for their dad,I don't like to talk bad about him because in my eyes he's just a lost soul. I feel like we are from 2 different worlds and he's stuck in his and I'm trying to positively magnify mine and do what I have to for our children. Needless to say he is still in Ct and doing nothing but playing games as far as I go. You'd think a guy who was denied by his father most of his life he'd be on the first thing smoking to his kids so they don't feel any form of neglect and whatnot. But no, I got the guy that is so jacked as far as his thoughts go that I have to pick up the slack. Tell me if this makes ANY sense? The plan was I leave,he stays to get up enough money so he wouldn't be broke living in another state,I find a place,he send me the deniro for it,I get settled w/ Lil Mar,Dec he comes and life should be halfway grand.I find a place I like... he completely renigs on his part by holding the money against me for a week,then making stupid ass phone calls about how he's not coming at all and blah blah blah. So I say screw him and I cut him out of the plan and get the money another way and looong behold he sends the money to me!?!? I can't do this to my kids!! A confused father?! That's not fair to them or my sanity! My kids are number 1!! I'm a frigging M.I.L.F ok?! Being with him isn't important to me,himbeing there for his kids is my concern. But I can't keep going back and forth with him,why would you want to stress your 6mtd pregger kids mom out like that? He's immature and I don't have time for it. So poo to him and how lost he is...oh he has no place to live in Ct so why would he give me a hard time? Stupidity!!